I haven’t written for this blog in a looooonngg time. Why? Well, I was busy, I wasn’t “inspired” to write, I thought I was doing better, so I started examining other aspects of my life…all that stuff.  Today, though, I feel like I just had one of Oprah’s a-ha moments.  I feel like this is my rock bottom.  I’m seeing it really clearly right now, so I want to examine and share it here.

Right now I’m sitting on my couch with my dog.  She has fleas and needs a bath. So do I. I haven’t showered in about 5 days, I’ve been eating crap, I weigh more than I have in years, my house looks like an episode of “Hoarders,” and I’m broke (not I-can’t-pay-my-rent broke, but I-have-a-lot-of-debt broke).  I took 3 days off work last week with the intention of cleaning my house, doing my laundry, and then doing something nice for myself, something I enjoy, like quilting or something.  Today is Sunday, and I’m supposed to be at work tomorrow. I’ve done none of the things I planned to do. Not one. I did drive around to look at houses for my aunt who is moving up this way in the next few months, and tonight I have plans to see a show with a friend. But the house? Not clean. Laundry? Nope. Quilting? No. All I’ve done is read, sleep and watch TV.

I thought I was getting better, you know? Mentally I felt more clear and optimistic. But let’s face it, the house didn’t just become a disaster area this morning. Maybe this is rock bottom? Maybe rock bottom is not being able to get off my ass and take care of myself properly, not the anxiety attack and the aftermath of that, but this hole I’m in now. I hasten to add that this is me ON medication.  I have been questioning how much the meds are really helping as opposed to them being a crutch or placebo for a while now.  Looking at the evidence today, it seems clear they aren’t doing much at all.  I have an appointment in about a month for my annual physical, so I will talk to my doctor about this then.  In the mean time, I’ll keep taking them. It’s not an expensive prescription…

So, if this is, indeed, rock bottom, then it’s time to see what I can do to start climbing back up.  That’s the only option other than just hanging out here in my hole.  I don’t feel sad or suicidal, I just feel unmotivated and a little bit overwhelmed.  Truthfully, I’ve “felt” worse mentally and emotionally before.  It’s the physical act/actions of self-care that I’m lacking now.  Yesterday I was noticing just how bad my body feels, and I heard that little voice in my head that said, “Enough!”  I have to take better care of my vessel so I can get my outsides to look more like my insides.  Only I can do that part.  The rest of it? I could ask for help…but I really HATE to do that!! So I’m thinking of doing a version of that – maybe calling my boss and asking for one more day off? Obviously I have been and will continue to ask my spiritual team for help.  They’ve always got my back.  I did a significant amount of wallowing in this physical depression in the past 5 days (and more).  It’s enough now.  I don’t want to be this way anymore, but I also don’t want to sabotage myself by making an enormous to-do list either.  That doesn’t work for me when I’m already overwhelmed.

What is the plan then? Well, it’s 9:30 am on Sunday.  I have to pick up my friend at 1:30 pm to go to this show.  So I have a few hours right now, I’m caffeinated and feeling sort of inspired.  I think I’ll switch on the computer and type this up first.  Then I’m gonna get in the shower!! I really want to ask my boss for that extra day off, and I bet he’d be cool with it…but that’s really asking for help from outside myself…my stomach churns just thinking about it…irrational fear, right? What’s the worst that could happen? He says, “No”? I know the man, I’ve worked for him for about 15 years, and I think the real fear is that he won’t say, “No,” even though he wants to and he doesn’t understand what’s going on with me.  I mean, his dad is old and unwell, the business isn’t doing very well lately, etc.  On the other hand, is it my responsibility to worry about that when I’m sitting here in my hole? I mean, if I had the flu or something I would feel bad about missing work, but I would know that by taking care of myself I would get better faster and maybe not make other people sick in the process, right? Maybe I’ll think about this more while I’m showering…

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