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I haven’t decided if I’m giving in to my depression monsters or if I’m taking care of myself (which is the goal) so I can get better, but it feels weird either way…

Yesterday I got an email praising my brightness and abilities and asking me to do some at home volunteer work for my genealogical society.  Of course, it’s wonderful that these very together and capable folks think so highly of me, and my first impulse was to say yes to one of the options, at least.  But then I started thinking about it…

Truthfully, I’m not doing very well at just the things I need to do around the house.  Dishes are piling up in the sink.  I need to haul out the garbage and recycling.  My yard is a disaster area.  It’s taking everything I’ve got right now to get out of bed and get to work in the morning, get groceries, pay bills – all the little things we have to do to survive in the world.  You should see how terrible I look today!  Hair in an unflattering ponytail, jeans, sweatshirt, FAT, no make up…I look the way I feel, basically.  The bare minimum.  That’s what I can do for myself right now.

So I sent an email this morning that made my stomach do back-flips.  I said how honored I am that they think so highly of me, but that I’m having personal issues right now and don’t feel capable of taking on another project.  I also said that I would step up and help if/when I felt more capable.  I think this is about as close to asking for help as I’ve gotten recently. You know, besides crying out to Heaven!

Part of me – the self-critical part – is saying, “You can do just one more thing! How could you say no?!”  The other part of me – the new, quiet part – is saying, “You are honoring yourself by accepting yourself where you are now. This will help you in the long run even if it feels uncomfortable now.”  I’m trying VERY hard to tune out the old voice in favor of the new…but I feel like I could use it to kick me in the pants and get things taken care of in my house and my body, so I can’t let it go completely.  Finding balance, that is the task.

In the mean time, I have $12 in my checking account until I get paid on Friday, I have a birthday dinner to attend after work on Thursday, and it’s the end of the month, so I should be working hard right now rather than writing this post!  The anxiety keeps coming in waves, but I’m taking my own advice and grounding myself repeatedly, firing up my boundaries.  I can do this, right? Baby steps…just keep swimming…

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